Friday, July 6, 2007

Bad dream

I woke up at about 3 am this morning after a harsh dream.

It wasn't a nightmare per se. The events were not horror movie fodder. The emotions that accompanied it were what kept me awake after.

I was assigned to kill someone. (Why? I do not know. But it did not seem odd to me in the dream.) I had a way to do it from a distance that could never be traced to me. (Some kind of radio gizmo...DREAM remember) Anyway, the target turned out to be judging a mock trial sort of affair. I know they were the judge, but I also know that the court was not real. For some reason my daughters were there. It was sort of a Vacation Bible School Mock Trial thing. (DREAM...)

My youngest came in WITH THE JUDGE! She said something like, "Look, Mommy. I get to sit here in front!" She was very happy and excited. I knew that my radio gizmo was not going to get anybody else, but the thought of her being RIGHT THERE while this person (a woman, I think) was killed horrified me. I asked her to come sit in the audience with me. She gladly complied and we went to sit.

I realized in the dream that she would still witness the killing and did not want that so I asked if she wanted to go outside to play with me. She did and we left. We walked past the banks or reporters to the outside yard. The trial was being held in a church auditorium. Why there were lawyers, I don't know. Maybe the judge was somebody important.

While my daughter and I are playing (though I am distracted by the murder that is about to take place) I hear my other two daughters call out that they love me, from inside the auditorium. I realize that there is nothing I can do (time too short) to stop them from witnessing the killing I have set in motion. That is when I woke up.

I have been trying to interpret the dream without much success. I know it has to have something to do with fears about being a good mother. What the more precise meaning are for the false trial held in a church, the judge (who I felt was a good person in the dream, not a villain), the reporters, the murder...all that I haven't interpreted yet.

I couldn't get back to sleep. I have had more restful dreams about being chased by monsters.

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